New found freedoms ain't exactly what you think they might be.....

For several years now, since my youngest daughter, Kassidy, and her husband, Ben, and sons, Caleb, Nathan, Owen and Brendon (yep, lots of boys) , have moved backed to Oklahoma, Pattye and I would make the trip to Ardmore to either visit on holidays or simply just to see the kids.

It's a relatively short trip from Richardson, only a little over 100 miles, and it takes you across the Red River and into Oklahoma. And after only 3 miles from the state line and suddenly you are at the largest casino in the U.S., the WinStar World Casino and Resort with 600,000 square feet of gambling pleasure.

Every time we would pass by, I would say to Pattye, "Wanna stop?", knowing full well she had her schedule and the casino was not listed on it. It wasn't that she was against gambling, as a matter of fact she was actually pretty good at it. She had made her first trip to Las Vegas way before we met and then later after we were married, we made several trips to Lake Tahoe where I would spend the day skiing, a couple of times with  my high school friend, P.J. Shank who lived nearby in Yuba City, Calif., while Pattye would spend endless hours playing black jack, roulette and the slots.

I've always enjoyed my money too much to want to part it with while playing any game where the House has the advantage, but even still I wasn't against trying my chance at a slot machine on occasion.

But that was then, and this is now. So on my latest trip to Ardmore this past week, as I was taking Cooper to stay with Kass and all the boys as I began preparing for a much needed visit to Dayton, Ohio on Wednesday, and my first time away since Pattye's passing, I drove past the casino on my way North. I kinda smiled to myself and found myself saying to an empty car, well except for Cooper, "Wanna stop?". It was a good memory and even Cooper's ears perked up thinking like I was talking to him.

Well, I didn't stop on the way up, but after I dropped off my loyal furry-boy for a week of fun, I headed back South and back  home and the casino came into view.

Hmmm, yep, one of these new found freedoms that I certainly didn't choose to have but have now been thrust upon me. "Should I stop or should I go?...Decisions, decisions. Heck, I needed to eat so dang it, I might as well stop at the World's Largest Casino.

There were hundreds of cars in the parking lot and it was just 2:00 PM on a Monday afternoon. Well, maybe there were tourists, I thought. As I locked my car and proceeded to go into one of the many entrances, a man slightly bent over, walking with a kind of slow shuffle, caught my eye.

As always I greeted him like I do anyone, anytime, with a "How ya doin?" He smiled and said, "Well it's kind of a sad day"

Gosh, I had shared my story so many times in the past month and a half that I guess I had forgotten that so many others have sadness in their life and I am certainly not alone. I asked him politely what the problem was?

"Well," he said, "I'm divorcing my third wife today and I just needed to come here and have some fun." I smiled back wondering what to say and he continued, "She's just like the other two. We couldn't get along. They all complained about me always wanting to come here to have fun. I guess it wasn't their cup of tea."
I smiled again  and said, "Well dang, you were gamblin'"and then briefly shared my experience these past few weeks and he said, "Well dang, maybe my troubles aren't quite as bad as I thought"

He walked with me into the casino and actually we headed to the main entrance. It had been many, many years since I had been in a casino. Back in those days, everything was so much different. You played the slots by putting in real coins and when you won you got real coins back. Not anymore. In addition to having to show ID to get a plastic club card, everything is instant push buttons and  if and when you win, you get a credit to your card. I guess it's still fun.

The first thing that caused me to realize I was in the wrong place was as soon as we entered one of the many rooms, the acrid smell of stale cigarettes hit me in the face. "Are you kidding me, I said aloud, "This is 2019 and the place allows smoking?" But not only do they allow smoking, every person I saw at the afternoon soiree had a cig in their mouth, hanging off their lip, while pushing their walker and even some dragging along an oxygen tank.

Wow, I don't think I will be staying long.

I walked around for about 40 minutes, occasionally, actually often, coughing and decided, "Nah, this wasn't such a good idea. But heck, why don't I try at least one slot."

It wasn't the conventional slot as I had known so many years ago. It was flashing neon, blaring music and very enticing. I put my players card into the machine, (this way the IRS can keep tabs on you) took out a $20.00, slid it into the tray and immediately I had a $20.00 credit. Since there was no handle to pull, you're left with a choice of different buttons on this particular no-arm bandit. I played just 50 cents at a time but it took only seconds as I watched my fortune dwindle down. $19.50, $19.00, $18.50, $18.00, $17.50 an then suddenly it happened. I was a winner. I had no idea what the combination was, the chart was too small to read and it didn't have cherries or sevens or nothing I recognized.

Suddenly, I saw my balance was up to $20.05. I said under my breath, "Heck yeah." I cashed out, took my ticket, with no fanfare of hearing coins drop out of the machine. Got my $20 back plus 5 pennies and got the hell out of there.

I know Pattye was smiling as I was experiencing my first found freedom. I smiled back and said, "Thanks for stoppin"

I hauled my butt back to Richardson, thankful for the day and thankful for a good memory AND 5 cents richer than when I left!

Sometimes I just have to be me....a simple man

More than once over these years, I've written about the importance of "the journey". To me, the road one takes to their destination is far more important than the planting of the flag at the crest of the mountain. The journey is where you learn about yourself. You learn about your weaknesses and you learn about your strengths. You learn about what matters in your life, and you learn about what you can discard to lighten your load.

Each road we take whether it be the one less traveled or the long and winding one, we gather mementos to remind us of our visits along the way. We take mental snapshots and  store them in our hearts to help  remind us of the people we meet and the  places we visit.

Sometimes our journeys end much quicker than we ever expected, often without any warning, as we take our last step fully thinking we will have plenty of steps left for tomorrow and the next day.

Sometimes our travels are difficult and each step is a struggle as we drag that millstone we have created and placed  around our neck wondering "Why me, Lord?...Why have you made me be the one to carry the burden of mankind on my shoulders". That millstone is only as heavy as we choose to make it. We can remove it at anytime. We have the power to be whomever we choose to be. It's that gift we were given at the time of our birth. We have that freedom of choice.

So I choose to be me. I choose to be that simple man that finds happiness in just being able take in each day and embrace it for whatever is in front of me. To hear music when there is just sound or even lack of sound. To see visions in the clouds forming my own impressions from the simple puffs of whitened air. I choose to take all I have been given, both sadness and happiness, and find a way through my words to help soften one's life, possibly leaving signposts along a path that one has chosen to maybe brighten their day.

I was frightened as this new path of mine suddenly appeared. I was frightened of being alone. Being scared at night with just my loyal furry-boy beside me. And full of despair when the silence of an empty house echoed only my voice.

But it's just a journey. One I have taken many times before. From building a raft to float the Stillwater River to the ends of the world with my best friend, "The Jer".... to going off to college even before I had turned eighteen.....to enlisting in the Air Fore when this country was at War.....to raising kids....and, yes,  to planning the final arrangements of someone so dear to me.

So, I've packed my rucksack once again filled with memories of the past and subsistence for the future.. I have faith in God, I have faith in myself,  I have my health and I have family and friends who are willing to walk along with me as I get another chance to take in this glorious life I have been given.

 I no longer ask the question, "Why am I here?".....I had  been given that answer long ago, I guess I just  wasn't paying attention..... I'm here to be me, a simple man.

What do you mean the churches are closed....it's Good Friday???

Editor's Note: For over 15 years I have shared my life thru my postings on this blog. Most of the posts have been humorous, many have been informative and sadly, a few of them have been poignant.
With today's musings, and probably for the coming weeks, my messages will reflect on the dramatic changes that have occurred in my life in the recent weeks with the passing of my wife of 33 years. Rest assured the blogs will continue to be humorous and informative and again sometimes poignant but will now originate from much deeper in my soul, more cerebral in my thoughts yet always from my heart. I hope you continue to enjoy witnessing my life as much as I have enjoyed sharing it with all of you.



So here it is right around 3:00 PM on Good Friday....It's been an okay day with all things being considered. The morning had started off by joining a new group of friends at the Richardson 'Y' for a class of Silver Sneaker Exercises. Joining this group had been my first step in trying to begin socialization and regain some sense of being after suddenly losing my wife, Pattye, only weeks before.

The rest of the day I had scheduled to begin assembling a montage of photographs of Pattye that would be shown during a celebration of her Life on Saturday. Several times I had sat down at her computer to begin the slow process of cutting and pasting each image that would attempt to show her life to a group of family and friends that would gather at one of our favorite restaurants. Yet each time I sat down and opened her well organized history of pictures of vacations and holiday events, the tears would begin to flow and I would have to get up and leave the room.

I thought I had finally got past the deep, deep emotional loss, the gut-wrenching grieving, but here it was again.The memories of vacations and holidays tore open my heart. I felt I had to just leave the house.

For the past month, I have taken Cooper with me almost every time I left but I figured I was just going to go down to the local Dollar Tree and pick up some Easter cards for the grandkids who would be at the celebration the next day. But what happened next, will go down as one of the most profound days in my 70 years on this earth.

Instead of going to Dollar Tree, I found myself at The Heights Church, a well known and well attended Baptist Church not far from the house. I'm sitting in the parking lot with the engine running and tears rolling down my cheeks. This had been by far the worst day I had experienced, just when I thought I was getting past the hardest time in my life.


I thought to myself, "No, no...not a Baptist Church, Tom". Sure I was stereotyping the image of so many misinformed years of my thinking of them as a hard core group of Bible-thumping conservatives. Yet, here I was, ready to find solace on Good Friday at 3:00 PM, find solace for me a sinner as I needed peace from my pain.

My next thought was, "Okay, I'll Google a Catholic Church near me". The catholic church is where I began my penance for committing the sins of my youth. Although, I had left it many years ago, I always felt that I knew the traditions well enough and that with enough sincere prayer, I would be forgiven all of my trespasses. But then I thought, "Nah, I've been down that road before".

Okay then, how about the Episcopal Church. That was my church where I began the second trek in trying to follow the Correct Path to Salvation. Sure enough I was only a few miles away and headed for Peace, again right when the anniversary of one of the Greatest Sacrifices known to man was occurring. I drove right past the Richardson "Y" where I had started my day and pulled up to the Episcopal Church. Not one car in the parking lot, not one. " I scream out loud, "It's Good Friday, what do you mean you'e closed!!!..This is insane."

Okay, just few hundred feet away is my next choice. A Methodist Church where my daughter, Kelly, had once worked in the Nursery. Perfect. I have a lot of friends who are Methodists, this should work.. Although by now, the tears have stopped, I still needed the soothing effects of a religious sanctuary. I pull into the parking lot and IT'S EMPTY!. No one. I cry out again, "IT'S GOOD FRIDAY. IT'S 3:00 PM AND YOU'RE CLOSED"


Have I lost touch with what is happening in the secular world?. Why in the world would churches be closed on Good Friday and at 3:00 PM which theologians have estimated to be the time of Christ's death. And churches wonder why their attendance is down.

OK, I'm going back to see the Baptists. My only thoughts of Baptists at the moment is that scene from the George Clooney movie, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou" where the religious sect is having a mass baptism in the river. "Fine", I shout to myself once again, "I'll do whatever you want God, just give me some peace".

So back to The Heights Church I go. I sit quietly with a small group of people in an alcove wondering why there are the few people I see yet I saw hundreds of cars in the parking lot. I later would find out this was simply overflow from a packed Chapel, on Good Friday, at 3:00 PM.

I cry and cry and cry. Finally the tears stop and a stranger sits beside me to hear my story. I share it even including that "I don't know much about Baptists, but at least your doors were open"

I'm not sure where I will end up in my new life. I do know that I found some new friends when I was at my most vulnerable exposure. I know I am Blessed. I know I am here to tell my story and help others. I smile as I share my adventure today and I look so forward to sharing more.

I do know that my doors will always be open to anyone who needs my help.