A crime we probably have all committed...

Although I hate being wrong, I am always willing to admit my mistakes.....and I'm guessing all, or at least most of us, have committed this same offense. And the dastardly deed is the one called a "malapropism". Sound familiar? No?...Well I bet you have done it...and probably most often when you are singing to yourself in the shower, or driving or even humming a tune in your head.

A malapropism is defined as " the use of an incorrect word in place of a word with a similar sound, resulting in a nonsensical, sometimes humorous utterance."

Come on, you know what I am talking about....in singing it's when you use your own word in place of the correct lyric during a song and for the life of you, you can't remember the right word.

A memory from long ago, over 50 years ago, is when I heard one of my best friend's mom singing a song and she used her own words. "Link" Shank, as we affectionately called her, was the mother of P.J. and Deedy Shank back in Dayton, Ohio. A wonderful, vivacious and active woman, she was singing a tune one morning that I heard after P.J and I had arisen from a crazy Friday night exploit.

Her voice was singing "One ton tomato, it's just a one ton tomato...." and I thought, "huh".

Then as I heard the melody over and over, I realized she was singing:

Guantanamera, guajira guantanamera
Guantanamera, guajira guantanamera
Yo soy un hombre sincero
De don de crece la palma ...........


She was singing the song, Guantanamera, made famous by The Sandpipers in the '60s along with "Come Saturday Morning", and many others.


And what's crazy, now after all these years, I'll sing "one ton tomato" as well whenever the song comes to mind and then sheepishly look around to see if anyone has heard me.


We do it everyday I bet, well, at least those of us who sing. And I'm not too embarrassed to admit it. Actually, I'm going to be a little presumptuous and go so far to boldly think, "Hey maybe my lyrics are even better."


I hope none of these tunes get stuck in your head, but I'm sure you'll recognize them and I'm guessing you have committed the same malaprop. Oh, and in case you start singing the song, "Louie, Louie", be sure your grandkids aren't in the same room. Enjoy.




Jimi Hendrix’s “Purple Haze”: Excuse me while I kiss this guy. Nope. It’s Excuse me while I kiss the sky.

Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer”: Hold me closer, Tony Danza. Nope. It’s Hold me closer, tiny dancer.

Johnny Rivers’ “Secret Agent Man”: Secret Asian man. Nope. It’s Secret agent man.

Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Bad Moon Rising”: There’s a bathroom on the right. Nope. It’s There’s a bad moon on the rise.

Bob Dylan’s “Blowin’ in the Wind”: The ants are my friends, they’re blowin’ in the wind. Nope. It’s The answer, my friends, is blowin’ in the wind.

Johnny Nash’s “I Can See Clearly Now”: I can see clearly now Lorraine is gone. Nope. It’s I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

Starship’s “We Built This City”: We built this city from sausage rolls. Nope. It’s We built this city from rock ‘n’ roll.

ABBA’s “Dancing Queen”: See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the dancing queen. Nope. It’s See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen.

Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back”: I like big butts in a can of limes. Nope. It’s I like big butts and I cannot lie.

The Fifth Dimension’s “Aquarius”: This is the dawning of the Age of Asparagus. Nope. It’s This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius

Planned Obsolescence.....

Back in the mid-'80s when computers were just beginning to hit the marketplace for all of the masses, a new term or phrase was being resurrected called Planned Obsolescence. The concept actually started back in 1925 when the Phoebus Cartel was founded for the sole purpose of controlling global markets and the fixed longevity of the light bulb.

Okay, now stay with me here. I realize most of you never thought I was this smart, but when I put my head-brain to things, well, who knows what I end up with.

Simply the term planned obsolescence means "making things so they don't last any longer than what you wanted them to last" , ergo; light bulbs that burn out, cars that break down, paint that peels off and of course roads that fall apart.

The other day I was asking myself, "Self, why are the streets and roads full of potholes?" And then it dawned on me. "So, the Road Guys can make a fortune".

Listen, I don't have any problem with entrepreneurship, or making money or owning your own business. I've owned my own business for the last 30 years. But every dollar I have earned I have earned honestly. And, I'm not saying that planned obsolescence is dishonest....I guess I am saying we are fools for allowing it to happen.

I hate nothing more when I am purchasing  expensive items like appliances or computers or even new cars. The first word out of the salespersons mouth after you have agreed to buy it is "Do you want an extended warranty with that?" Hell no, I want it to last until I am ready to buy a new one or pass away typing my blogs.

I guess there is no stopping it now. We buy things and they end up in the trash because they quit working. That's what they were meant to do as far as the manufacturers are concerned.

Some of these thoughts have also been brought to the wonderin' lobe of my head brain partly I think with the passing of a great man, a great father, a great grandfather and a great minister. My father-in-law, Clark Williams, passed away Jan. 1st and he has been on my mind continuously.

As I often wonder about life and what my purpose is supposed to be on this earth, and as I get older, I now wonder about death. Why are we here and why do we have to go.

I guess it's pretty simple. The Great Manufacturer himself created the original Phoebus Cartel back in the beginning of time and it is His "planned obsolescence". He planned for us to be here for a certain amount of time and despite all of the drugs and surgeries, He is calling the shots, not us. He made us to last for whatever length of time that He decided, sometimes it hours or days or years and years but eventually we wear out. And no, you can't get an extended warranty.

Stuff......When is it time to reverse the flow

One of the unique distinctions of the "Baby Boomer" generation (for reference that's usually considered as people born between 1946 - 1964, but I am extending it even further to anyone born before 1946 who are at least on Facebook) and that distinction is our ability to gather "stuff".

It really didn't strike me as a generation thing until recently as Pattye has been charged with the responsibility of saving, disposing, delegating everything that belonged to her late aunt, Audrey. And now with the passing of her father, Clark Williams,  she along with her family members with be charged with sorting, saving, cataloging and trying to find a way to be sure everything is passed on or saved as well.

And then I started thinking, when is it time to start reversing the flow. When do I quit stopping at garage sales or "eyeballing" someone's trash laid out on the street for pickup. When do I quit accumulating and start divesting? Is it me, is it my generation or is it just wanting to collect "stuff" or probably more precisely junk. Yeah, right.. so much for the axiom "One man's treasure is another man's junk".

On my side of the balance sheet, I have years and years of stuff that I just couldn't pass up. Little storage cabinets that I found in an estate sale full of nuts and bolts left over from another man's junk. Rope, tools, cable, power tools, buckets, boards, coffee cans full of washers and more nuts and bolts. Poles, rods, funnels, motors, string, old paint, more paint, sandpaper etc., etc., etc. The list goes on and on.We are only able to pull one car into the garage because of all of the accumulated "stuff". And if I could, I would probably fill up the other side if I was left unharnessed to gather even more.

Our house is full, almost bursting at the seams and yet we have moved several times and have gone through "down-sizing".

Years ago, Pattye became interested in collecting all kinds of decorative chickens and roosters, which perhaps, she recalled,  came mostly from visits to her grandmothers home. Later she started a retail outlet selling chicken-themed "stuff" and now she tells me she has over 100 chicken things in just the kitchen alone!. See, it's not just me.

Well......the bell has sounded. It's time to reverse the flow.

Instead of "stuff" coming in, it's stuff going out. So be prepared. Except first I do want to check out this garage sale down the street because I did see a sign that said, "Tools".

Is it generational?. Was it because we were raised by parents who were born during the Depression and treasured "stuff" and taught us to place value in even the smallest of things? I just don't know.

I'm tired from even thinking about the upcoming Spring Cleaning that we have promised ourselves to do. I will be heartbroken to dispose of that mason jar full of nuts and bolts that I bought for just pennies. And that broken saw that I really needed to have or that box full of tape or all of those washers and nuts and bolts. Oh and the fence slats that I was going to make picture frames from. Oh, and those pieces of garden hose that...um, well, I was going to do something with them.

I need a nap.