"Mockingbird - 3, Tom - 0"

I finally convinced Pattye that I'm not going crazy (at least for today) concerning a mockingbird that is trying to cause me great physical harm or possibly even kill me. It began last week as I was working in the yard.


Anyone who lives in Texas knows a.) Mockingbirds are the Texas State Bird b.) They are protected under law, and c.) They can be mean as hell.

I used to laugh when I would watch mockingbirds chase squirrels from tree to tree dive-bombing at the long-tailed nut gatherers causing them to roll over several times and scamper for the closest haven. Even cats would fall victim to the birds although the cats would raise the fur on their back and stand with paws outstretched, teeth bared and fight to protect their ground, only to have the shrieking kamikaze swoop from behind and knock the feline on its butt.


Well, the laughing has stopped. I now have a personal war staged against the grey-colored, constantly chirping raptor.


I have counted no less than 12 attacks this menace has staged on my well being, sometimes bringing along a wingman to assist in causing destruction.


At first, I thought maybe there was a nest nearby and the culprit was simply trying to protect its young. Nope, haven't seen one. Next, I thought that perhaps the bird was simply territorial and this was a new piece of land claimed for its domain. Well, I had it first and I have to make mortgage payments!


Yesterday, as I was preparing to mow the lawn, I took along a broom as my weapon of choice. I have given up the mud balls since my aim wasn't very accurate and was causing a mess on the front porch. I have also given up my slingshot which was sending the projectiles way over the roofline probably breaking the neighbor's window behind me. The broom seemed like the logical choice.


I cautiously moved the mower into position to begin my first swath across my lawn, aka the battleground. Sure enough, there was my nemesis waiting for me, perched on the rooftop depositing its disgusting "markers" as if to say "bring it on brother".


As soon as I turned my back for a split second, I caught him out of the corner of my eye. I spun and with the performance of an Olympic javelin thrower, I aimed for my opponent and suddenly he raised 3 feet vertically only to have my spear go beneath him and land on the roof.


Now what to do? I'd have to get out the extension ladder and raise it to the highest level and then climb to the top, knees shaking, in fear of another attack and try and reach my weapon. As I reached the top of the ladder, I hear the familiar shriek, watch the distasteful "dropping" fall from his tufted exterior and see my broom had fallen off the roof and into my neighbor's back yard.
The villain stared at me as I raced for the ground completely defenseless.


I called for reinforcements (Pattye) and had her stand guard holding an extended pole with a swimming pool skimmer attached at the end while I finished my yard duties. Although there appeared to be some reluctance on her part it was either assist me or listen to my ranting about the battles that were taking place.


Although there were no attacks while she stood her watch, my opponent did make his presence known and continued the shrieking.


I have a couple of days until my lawn needs another trimming. I intend to spend this time planning my next strategy complete with head gear and protective goggles.


If necessary I will pull out the ultimate weapon of mass destruction. As much as I am opposed to the use of this force and have never owned one myself. I will invest in a cat. Lord, help us all that it has come to this.